HOW TO HOST A DINNER PARTY WITH STRANGERS
Date: Fall 2018 - Volume VI Humanity
Publication: The Fullest Magazine
A Place At The Table - How To Host A Dinner Party With Strangers
By Alyssa D. Benjamin
The rectangular wooden table was peppered with blue and white patterned porcelain ceramic bowls, plates, and cups of delightful variance in size and shape, most likely Italian or Spanish in origin, and marked at either end by a bottle of wine, a cupful or two remaining, trophies of our indulgence. We’d arrived at a respectable 7:30pm and perched ourselves before hand-drawn place cards, each with our name and a corresponding food. “Alana, pear. Kirby, radish. Sabine, swiss cheese.” After shouts, whispers, and periods of laughter, punctuated by moments of quiet munching, we parted - four hours later - with hugs, meaningful goodbyes, and a promise to reconvene next month.
By all appearances, it was a dinner party amongst the dearest of friends.
Except it wasn’t. We were strangers.
M.F.K. Fisher, the preeminent American food writer, once exclaimed, “sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly.” This is especially true if that other human being happens to be someone you’ve just met. And yet, there’s a particular sort of beauty that emerges when you greet another, in a semi-casual setting, free of any characterization to prove or disprove; an inherent bond born from vulnerability and common experience.
Fisher was often asked why she chose to write about hunger and food and drink, rather than about big things like power and security, or even love. To this she responded, “We must eat. If, in the face of that dread fact, we can find other nourishment, and tolerance and compassion for it, we’ll be no less full of human dignity.”
Hosting a successful dinner party is never really about the food after all. What you eat becomes simply a conduit for how you eat - fully present, fork in hand, gesticulating loudly as stories and jokes and ideas and philosophies bounce across the table from one mouth and into another’s mind, whilst nibbling on a substance that ideally brings some sort of sensory delight. “Pass the stuffed avocados and tell me more about that silent retreat!” “Yes, I would like more wine...and I’d also like to hear your opinion about micro-dosing on LSD!” Amongst pleasurable company, the food becomes the amplifier. A detail that creates a communion of spirit.
Our survival as a species has largely depended upon our ability to develop supportive social bonds that put us in relationship with one another. Tribalism is coded into our DNA. Today, we use mechanisms like Instagram stories and Facebook, to play out this biology. We trick ourselves into feeling connected to complete strangers because we can peek into their lives casually, leisurely, and with minimal effort, without ever having to actually meet IRL. Could this be 21st century tribalism? Perhaps. But, with the uncertainty and often fear-based reactivity of our times, I believe we have an insatiable hunger for social connections that aren’t media-based. Hosting a dinner party with strangers can be that nourishment.
Below, I’ve offered a few considerations for connecting the disconnected. Take what resonates and leave the rest. Authenticity should be upheld above all else:
THE SETTING -
The music, the decor in the room, the size, shape and materiality of the dinner table. The silverware! The lighting. There are oh so many factors to consider that set a particular tone or vibe for the dinner. And please DO consider them because it’s the details that send subtle, but important signals to guests about the type of experience they’re participating in.
PEOPLE CURATION -
The art of people curation is critical to hosting a successful dinner with strangers. Some individuals will be amenable to breaking bread with new friends, others will not. Or, worse off, some will have the compulsion to dominate the conversation, which leaves a sour taste for all. This isn’t about exclusivity, but quite the opposite. It’s inclusivity we’re after, which requires a willingness from all participants to show up with an open-minded spirit. It is advisable to carefully consider who you’re inviting and what energy they’re bringing with them.
HOSTING DUTIES -
It can be a good idea, as the host, to also be the connector for the remainder of invitees. “How do you know so and so?” practically begs to be asked - and suddenly you’ve got yourself an ice breaker for even the shyest of guests.
LIBATIONS -
Have them.
THE MEAL -
Food is so intimate, personal and precious. There’s a vulnerability inherent to cooking for others. For one particular occasion, I chose a four-course ayurvedic meal: avocados stuffed with a mixture of homemade paneer cheese, kalamata olives and toasted walnuts, cream of fennel soup garnished with fresh dill, at least a dozen almond flour biscuits, steamed cabbage and kale spiced with a masala of cumin, coriander, fennel and turmeric, and paired with quinoa and pearled barley topped by slivered almonds and a cilantro chutney. The grand finale? A gluten-free carrot walnut cake with raisins and ghee (clarified butter). Make what you love and your joy will get baked into what you serve. And, trust me, eating happiness tastes exquisite!
It’s been said that a dinner party sparked the idea for Sesame Street and that it was also a dinner party hosted by Pablo Picasso that became the launchpad for Henri Rousseau’s painting career. And yet, we don’t have to produce something renowned for our dinner parties to have resonance. Each of us has the capacity to create the circumstances for collective laughter, respectful debate and pure joy. It simply requires that you to take your place at the table.